Mairela Reiki Healing Retreat
Holistic Healing Holidays in a Natural Healing Space to Cleanse Body, Mind & Soul

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This blog is a look at life that encompasses metaphysical aspects, nature and the cultural adventures of an English woman, Sara Gardner, from London living in the Finnish forest on the edge of a lake whilst setting up a holistic healing place, known as Mairela Reiki Retreat, to live and work.

Saturday 29th December 2007

I've just finished reading a really interesting book called Entering the Circle: Ancient Secrets of Russian Wisdom Discovered by a Psychiatrist by Olga Kharitidi who is a Russian psychiatrist that discovered ancient secrets of Siberian shamanic practice and incorporated it into her life and work. I always love it when two remote disciplines come together and the previously different truths slot together like pieces of a jigsaw to create a bigger and more whole truth because that is the way that the world works. There is truth in everything in the world even when it seems that so much is opposing us, it is when we have stretched the boundaries of our minds, or indeed removed the boundaries of our minds that we will encompass everything within the whole truth of perfection. The more we expand our vision, the easier it is to see the connections between everything and from this place of greater awareness comes greater compassion and thereby greater peace.

In the past week I've been doing a daily meditation to take me into my heart,based on the book and CD by Drunvalo Melchizedek Living in the Heart: How to Enter Into the Sacred Space Within the Heart with CD (Audio) It needs to be done in total darkness and so I have taken advantage of the grotty weather! It was interesting to see that Olga used the same route when she intuitively dropped into her healer aspect and so I set out to incorporate my meditation with my shamanic aspect. At 10pm I set off for the old iron age fortress and sat leaning against my meditation pine tree and went through the heart space meditation. Out of interest I first took a picture into the black night to capture some of the orbs as I wanted to see if the energetic activity increased after my meditation and in fact it didn't. It was really great however to note that I could calm my fears about being sat in the dark forest as not so long ago the very thought of it would have been impossible but over the past few months I've seen a lot of fear manifested within me and I've been able to keep at least one foot so to speak, in the higher aspect of my self and see that I myself have created the fear. I've learnt not to be afraid of the truth of whatever has come my way because everything is there to serve me in some way even if it's scaring the c**p out of me at the time. It was up on this hill that I had my shamanic initiation many years ago and so it was the right place for me to bring the two pieces of my own personal puzzle together there and it was the first time that I have felt such power on my heart and indeed the first time that I could physically feel my heart within my chest! The defensive layers around my heart are slowly dissolving as I expose myself little by little. There is great power in my vulnerability.

Thursday 27th December 2007

My white Christmas didn't last and today whilst out walking I could feel how warm the wind was on my hands and I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have moved to Siberia to get some decent winter weather in December but I suppose at least it's easier to walk without struggling through snow. Milli the little Lhaso Apso delighted in finding some green slimy poo and rolling in it, she's such a charming little girl but even worse somebody came driving down the track a little later and when I picked her up I got coated in it too! I couldn't believe my luck that someone was driving along this totally unoccupied track at exactly the same time that I was walking there for the first time in a couple of months! I took a tentative sniff at the offending green stuff and it smelt weird and strangely alluring......either I've been alone for way too long or this animal/bird was dumping some kind of musk! Don't think I'll go and bottle it though as the colour was way too off putting.

Then I came across a caterpillar on the big forest track!! It's the end of December, everything is frozen or dead and there's a caterpillar lying in the road and it was alive, although not moving very much. I have no idea what it lives on but I stuck it in my backpack to bring it home and it's now living in jar in the hallway with some Chinese leaves to eat. I suspect that it may only eat birch leaves or nettles but I can't magic them out of the air at this time of year. I'm hoping that it will do it's thing and pupate so then I can watch it emerge next spring and fly away......hopefully without being eaten immediately by the flycatchers!

In the evening I took Milli to the sauna with me to give her a hair wash and she seemed to enjoy the experience. She sat on the middle bench as I think the heat on the top one was too much what with her fur and all. It took her a while to get used to the noise of the steam coming off the hot rocks too but overall she was very chilled out just like me.

Christmas Eve 2007

I've been in Helsinki this weekend visiting the many Christmas markets that are filled with wonderful things to eat and beautiful hand crafted Finnish items. I treated myself to a small ceramic angel to hang up in my home amongst all the other angels that I have, then set off to Stockman, the large department store similar to a Finnish Harrods, to check out the Christmas fare on offer there. Of course the crowds were awful but you can't come home from the city without a Stockman bag!

Despite the forecast of a black Christmas I have been blessed with a light covering of snow to give the whole place a magical sparkly look...so thank you to the weather fairies!

My friend who had traveled back to Kuhmoinen with me returned to her family in the village this morning and invited me to share the traditional rice porridge that is served on Christmas Eve. The person who finds the almond in the porridge is said to have good luck for the following year and I was very keen to find it! We don't know if her father ate it and didn't say anything.....as it was so amusing to watch us eating more and more porridge and then scraping round the pot in disbelief that we couldn't find it, or maybe it disintegrated, or maybe her mother forgot to put it in there but we never found one! Then at midday we sat and watched the Christmas peace proclamation from Turku, many years ago it was so, that if you committed any crime during the time of the Christmas peace declaration then your sentence would be automatically doubled but apparently that doesn't happen these days.

Now all the shops are closed as families gather for their Christmas time together. Later on they will have their Christmas sauna, followed by the enormous Christmas dinner of pork and the sweet swede bake, sweet potato bake (tastes fabulous!) and carrot & rice bake, with a dessert of prune and raison soup and then for those who are not stuffed to bits some of the previously mentioned Lutefish. After the dinner comes a visit from Joulupukki or Father Christmas as we know him. So here in Finland everyone gets their presents tonight and will spend tomorrow just lazing around, eating more and enjoying the gifts and the peace. Boxing day is the traditional day to go visiting.

I remember the Christmas time that I came here when I was a young girl, around 9 years old, and Father Christmas came into the room, at first I thought that it was just my granddad dressed up but then he appeared in the room too and I gasped because it must have been the real Santa! Now I've found out that it was my mum's cousin Esa fulfilling the Finnish tradition of bachelors earning a little pocket money by being Santa.

I was saying to my Finnish friend this weekend (she wasn't offended!) that so many people make jokes now about how many Santas driving Ladas most definitely the worst for wear ( both the Santa and the lada!) on Christmas eve that it is almost a formal traffic hazard but I thought that maybe this situation gave a little insight into the Finnish drink culture. If small children associate Father Christmas and all the warm, exciting, beautiful feelings of Christmas with the smell of a man intoxicated with vodka then when they first smell the inside of the average village bar they will be transported back to that great feeling subconsciously and they will be constantly drawn to the bar trying to recreate the wonderful feelings of Christmas as a child. Just a theory!

On that note I wish everyone a peaceful time and beware of men in red driving ladas. ;-)

Thursday 20th December 2007

So here I am returned from my Christmas trip to the UK visiting friends and family. I've slept on so many different beds and sofas in the past 11 days that I don't know which way is up yet! I had Christmas dinner with my eldest daughter on Sunday, then another one yesterday with my youngest daughter here in Finland as she goes off to Britain on Saturday and my mum went home this morning. We still don't have any snow here in Finland and the forecast is that it will be a black Christmas as they call it here, as opposed to just Christmas as it's called in the UK. It's been good fun seeing everyone and sampling the various aspects of Christmas from two difference cultures. From the home crafted goods of the local Christmas market before I left to the full on shopping mall experience of Lakeside shopping centre by the Dartford river crossing, I've crossed such a cultural divide that I can't even conceive of them being of the same world. It only took dear Stefff (I'm not sure how many ff's in her name but there were loads in her language!) a local of Essex heritage I feel, a mere few seconds to impart one particular version of Christmas to me in the large superstore bemoaning to her friend the fact that she had f***ing loads of f***ing Christmas presents to get....ah what a sweet carol that would make! Now I'm back home and this morning I felt another version of Christmas that I hope that most people will identify with. Just after my mother had left and I was looking around at all the wonderful things that I have in my home I felt overwhelmed by a feeling of blessedness such that has never been felt before and I'm not ashamed to say that it made me cry. I could feel my heart opening and the tears came as I thought through every present that I have received, the friends that I have, my beautiful family and everything that is so wonderful in my life. I couldn't contain the feelings of blessedness and I didn't want to contain them either, truly I experienced experientially my cup pouring over this morning and it has left me a bigger but lighter person for it. I now know that although I may be spending Christmas away from my family, as they are scattered all over the world this year, nothing can take away the feeling in my heart of all the love that I have for them and from them. There really is no such place as far away and I carry everyone with me in my heart. That's my version of Christmas...a time of year that brings us into a space where we can totally feel how loved and loving we are.

Sunday 9th December 2007

The rain came and took all my snow away on Thursday, it's been wet and dark since then! All the Independence Day celebrations passed uneventfully, the president's ball was it's usual boring affair, although possibly it was great for those that went! Marcus Gronholm sure looks different in a tux!

There was a lovely little Christmas market in the village yesterday filled with lots of handcrafted items that proved too irresistible to me. I'm now the proud owner of a wooden tankard made from birch, some beeswax candles and even more angel statues! I had the opportunity to speak a little Finnish with some locals and I think I got understood which makes me feel good!

Now tonight I'm off to the UK for some Christmas shopping of a different kind and a round of visits to friends and family. Mum has come over to keep an eye on things here, feed the dogs and the child, keep the fire going, that kind of thing.

Wednesday 5th December 2007

The school concert last night was beautiful, just as it always is. My daughters class sang to Finlandia which happens to be one of my favourite pieces of music and one of the class played part of it on her flute which sounded amazing...it was lucky that I had brought some tissues with me. Each class took a turn with either a short play or singing of some kind and the acts were interspersed with singing of many popular Finnish songs. It is one thing that I really admire about the Finns and Finland is that they are so very proud of their country (and rightly so) and they have so many songs that everyone knows that bond them together. Songs that talk about the beautiful country are abundant and for good reason, with independence only 90 years young the memory of not having their own expressions of their own country will no doubt still be fresh in the mind. Finland can still remember a time when it wasn't recognised and it still very much appreciates the fact that it is. Me thinks that those who are quick to run down their own cultures could learn from this....

After talking about joulutorttu yesterday I bought a box after the concert and we sat and stuffed the lot washed down with some gloogi of course, so today I bought the ingredients and I'm making my own.....well I've bough ready made pastry but I'm making the star shapes myself.

I wanted to show an update on the Jokela school shooting which visits some useful views.

Tuesday 4th December 2007

Yesterday morning was a bit dismal with the snowing still melting but by the time I set off to meditation there was quite a snow shower coming down. Remember that feeling that you're in a spaceship traveling through the stars at warp speed because the snow flakes are coming towards you really fast as you drive...even better when you put your lights on full beam! I was rudely awakened this morning at 7.30 by the snow plough clearing my road for the first time this winter so it must have continued to snow all night. I would normally have been up but there is no school this morning because there is a school concert tonight and those hours count as the pupils school hours. The concert is part of the 90 years of independence celebrations going on this week and will also count as the Christmas concert as the school didn't want to stress the pupils by putting 2 concerts together in the same month.

The meditation that I put together used the mahamrityunjaya mantra which is an important mantra. The word 'maha' means great and the literal translation is the great death conquering mantra. It talks about how the goodness of the Universe flows through us all and asks that we be liberated from death which is talking about how the small mind of the go views death as the end but when we expand and realise that we are more powerful and greater than the limited view of the ego then we know that we cannot die, thus we are liberated from death. The mantra talks about how the fruit grows on the vine but when the stalk withers the fruit continues as a gourd ( a vessel) and is no longer restricted by the limitations of the vine. I was going to make it so that the mantra was repeated 108 times but we took time for having a small Christmas moment with joulutorttu or joulutähti and gloogi. Joulutähti is a pastry in the shape of a star with plum/prunes in the middle and it's one of my most favourite things about Christmas.....the name is literally Christmas star. Gloogi is the Finnish equivalent of mulled wine but without the wine, although if you are not driving home most people would add some plus raisins and almonds. Here are some photos and recipes of traditional Finnish Christmas fare including the baked lutefish!

Sunday December 2nd 2007

This morning I was reminded of how much more energy is needed for walking through snow even though it is only about 7cms deep, as I went for a long walk round the big block as I call it. The forest road up on the big hill that was made for the logging vehicles to get deep into the forest has now been closed to vehicles so there are no convenient tracks for me to follow. When I first looked out the window in the morning the snow was shooting horizontally past at quite some speed but luckily it stopped for my walk as I hate getting snow flung into my face like a bullet.

I decided to go out again for another midnight walk part of my plan to grow my other senses by not relying on my sight so much. Although there was a lot of snow on the ground I took a small path through some forest that I don't walk on so often so it was quite dark. The air was considerably warmer than in the morning and everywhere was hung in a snowy mist. As I walked through the heavy trees I could hear the snow melting and slipping from the branches, sometimes large pieces would fall from the tree making a soft thump as it hit the snow beneath and causing the tree branch to spring back up into the air having been relieved of it's white burden. That took a while to get used to because it felt like a small animal had just jumped through the trees. It was the noise of the melting snow that really grabbed my imagination though, with so many trees around all making the same delicate noise it sounded to me like thousands of small spiders scuttling over autumn leaves....I'm glad that I knew it wasn't!

I have to tell you about a Finnish Christmas traditional food that we tried last night, it's called Lipeäkalaa which literally means Lyefish, known as Lutefish. Lye in case you don't know is the caustic substance that is used to make soap....feeling peckish yet? A friend explained to me years ago what it was when I noticed that it appeared in the shops around Christmas, it's a cod fillet that has been soaked in lye and the traditional way to eat it is with mashed potatoes, peas and white sauce. Now that sounds like a description of one of my favourite meals and I happened to have a bowl of mash left over from the previous night so I bought some of this fish. I cooked it in the oven for the 50 minutes but it still looked the same so I cooked it longer but it still looked the same, kind of raw but more transparent. Eventually I decided that it must just stay looking raw because of the lye treatment but I have to confess neither I nor my daughter could bear the feeling of it in our mouths, it felt like jelly, we may as well have been eating warmed up frogs spawn so we ditched it and had peas, mash and sauce for dinner. I have to say that when I gave it to the dogs they wouldn't eat it either! I'm sure that I must have done something wrong with the cooking as I can't believe that anyone would eat food that felt like that.

Thursday November 29th 2007

I'd just snuggled into bed last night when the two outside dogs kicked off about something, it happens sometimes when there is an elk in the forest or something moving about but this time they were both agitated. They weren't so bad that it was a wolf, when that happens they go really ballistic. I tapped on the window a few times which usually quiets them down but it didn't work very well, went back to bed to ignore them but that didn't work well either so I ventured out to see what all the fuss was about. The moon is still quite big and with all the snow around the whole place is lit up very well, I couldn't see or hear anything so I got the dogs to go to bed, no easy task as they now thought I was taking them out for a walk.....obviously don't recognise pyjamas when they see them! Despite it being about -10 degrees I couldn't help but stop and admire the beautiful sky with the bright moonlight and the scattering of stars, I assume that the bright moonlight obliterates the other not so bright stars. As I stood admiring the sky I heard crunching footsteps on the icy lake and turned to see something sniffing around the pier. It saw me as I'd moved and took a hasty exit stage right, I couldn't be sure if it was the fox or the raccoon dog but judging from the way it moved I would say the raccoon dog as the fox is usually more stealthy than that. I know that the raccoon dogs go into a semi hibernation state during the winter but I'm not sure when that starts, if it's weather or calendar driven. I was going to check the tracks this morning but there isn't enough snow on the lake to capture any footprints.

The moon was still out when we walked to meet the school taxi this morning as was the morning star. The morning star is the planet Venus and according to what I just read it overtakes the earth every 584 days and becomes the evening star, I remember last winter it was the evening star and I must admit I had thought that it was both at the same time. When I think about all the planets out there moving around on different orbits it makes me wonder about the whole astrology thing, I mean that I've always been a bit sceptical that one twelfth of the population will meet a tall dark handsome stranger on the same day but I think that true astrology is done on an individual basis. If according to quantum physics we affect an object just by looking at it then the affect of the other planets in our solar system and then the other systems on that must produce some kind of effect on us via the magnetic field of the earth if by nothing else.

Anyway, back to my walk again! The morning sky was very typical for this time of year with the western sky having an eggshell blue bottom to it then a layer of gorgeous pastel pink that gradually faded out to white which in turn faded into the pale blue sky above, following that right round to the eastern sky the pale blue sky faded down into the white which faded to a pastel yellow which in turn grew more glowing and orange towards the horizon, very pretty. Somewhere out in the forest there was a black woodpecker crying out as it does, you'd think it had just woken up and found itself frozen to a branch from the mournful overtones. I don't know if they normally stay here for the winter as I don't usually hear them unlike the great spotted woodpecker which can always be heard pecking away up some tree or telegraph pole. They have favourite trees or poles which have a hole that they place their pine cones into, then it's easier for them to take out the seeds. You can always tell from the state of the discarded pine cones at the base of a tree if they have been eaten by a squirrel or a woodpecker because of the different eating techniques. If it's a clean stalk left then it was a squirrel and if it's a mangled mess then it was a woodpecker.

Looking at the moon as I walked I actually stopped for the first time and thought about the fact that the moon is less visible now because of the shadow of the earth, I can actually see the curve of the edge of this planet on the moon just as surely as I can see my own shadow stretching across the snow in front of me. I found that really awesome that I can actually see the shadow of the large piece of rock that I live on! It makes it easier to 'see' myself on a rock spinning round in space at 67,000mph/108,000kmph then open my eyes back up to see the garden in front of me filled with all the birds that have come for their breakfast...both worlds are real, both images contain some truth of who we are. It's another way of opening up the mind. No agenda, no goal, just take a look at this and then take a look at this, it's the same place.

Wednesday 28th November 2007

I've promised my daughter that I would put a link to her web page called Milly's home page. You'll find a link to some of her poems too.

Tuesday 27th November 2007

My lip looks worse today and I'm off to Jyväskylä university to give a talk about me being a living version of Evolutionary Economics! This is a unique subject being taught in Jyväskylä that looks at the economics of business along the same lines as the natural processes of evolution. I was asked to speak there last year on the first course and it was such a success that I had been invited back. I had an early start to get there so I started the car in advance to warm it up and clear the windows as we'd had a fair amount of snow overnight, I remembered the box of elk remains that I had picked up the night before on my way home from meditation but when I went to take it out of the boot I found that the boot lock was frozen solid. Then I remembered that the oil for unfreezing the locks was in the boot!! I had spotted it there a few days before and had thought I should move it in case this scenario happened but....you know how these things go...who hasn't had a box of elk remains frozen in their boot when they are just off to give a talk at a university. I'd run out of time so I just had to leave it there...times like this I wish I had a boot cover so that you can't just look straight in there. Still this would make another entry for the 'Shouldn't happen' book.

On the way to Jyväskylä I saw three elk behind the protective fencing that runs alongside highways to stop the carnage that would occur should these big beasts get mixed up with traffic. I didn't remember the grisly remains in my possession as I cursed myself for not having my camera with me. I've yet to bag a picture of a real live elk as they only come out when I'm cameraless. The best opportunity that I missed was on the way home from Helsinki a few years ago where there was a full grown elk inside the fence at a layby stop on the main road, the poor thing was desperately trying to find a way back through the fence into the forest, it would have made an awesome shot. I missed having my camera with me on the way home today coming back through the short cut I take through the forest. I was driving through the totally white landscape with all the trees hanging down laden with beautiful snow thinking how great it would be to video the route and stick it up on youtube, when I came across a whole flock of black grouse (Tetrao tetrix) flying through the trees making a stark contrast to the white snow. Although these birds are declining in Europe they are quite common locally and they are another subject that I would love to capture on film.

Monday 26th November 2007

I sometimes wonder if I should write a book called 'It shouldn't happen to a healer' filled with those moments like today when I took the empties from my son's birthday celebrations to the supermarket. As you know Finland is a great place for recycling and the beer cans and bottles have a refund on them which probably helps to keep the place so clear of litter. So I set off to into town with the remains of the weekend's celebrations and I had to use a trolley to take them all into the shop! I wanted to hang a sign round my neck proclaiming that they weren't mine but figured that that kind of denial would just make it look worse! Some of the cans were a little crushed so the machine didn't like them so much which stops the belt and the siren goes off.....just in case there were a few people left in the shop that hadn't noted my trolley of empties! It all came to a total of €19.95 which meant that I was in the privileged position of buying my shopping and collecting money from the cashier too.

Then I had to go and visit the dentist as unfortunately my teeth haven't been so good since my last visit and I've been kept awake by night time toothache. I didn't want to try and explain my troubles over the phone so I just went and sat in the waiting room watching TV until an interlude between patients. I find it's much easier to explain such things with a bit of fluent gesticulating. The dental assistant explained that I would have to wait and being a true Brit I assumed she meant something like a week...luckily she only meant 20 minutes for the next person to have their turn. The source of the trouble took some finding as it was quite deep, I didn't understand much except for the words root treatment...that's all you need to hear really isn't it! So I came out with a drilled tooth, some temporary filling and a very numb face. When the feeling started to come back I noticed that my bottom lip was swollen on one side which I assumed was due to the treatment but it didn't go and now it is very sore so I think that I may have burnt or bit it whilst it was still numb and I didn't notice. That is why they usually tell you not to eat or drink for a while.....obviously I missed that part of the conversation but yes I should have known better.

Sunday 25th November 2007

It's that time of year when the temperature hovers a round zero and so the conditions can change quite dramatically and this week has been a prime example of that change. The whiteness and the frosty mornings ceased on Wednesday, consequently we had rain and the nights were so black...the days weren't much brighter either! My son had come to stay to celebrate his birthday with some friends and the darkness seemed neverending. Then late on Friday evening the rain turned to snow which settled very quickly in great fluffy lumps which left everything feathery white and beautiful, then the clouds all left and the almost full moon came out and lit up the entire forest, it was so amazing especially after the previous 3 days of darkness. The full moon on Saturday afternoon was brilliant as the clouds raced past it, just thick enough to show the halo around the moon but light enough to allow everything to be bathed in moonlight. We spent the night outside around the fire enjoying the amazing scenery. The ice on the lake is now thick enough to stand on but it's too early to take a walk across it yet. I noticed from the tracks that the fox has already been across but I weigh considerably more than he does! As I drove to Tampere tonight to drop everybody off at the airport I noticed that the further away from home I drove the less snow there was so on the way back I paid attention to where the difference came and discovered that there is a long hill that makes the difference between the snow and the rain. It's not a steep hill but you're driving up for quite a while and the rain turns to snow as you go higher up. Of course this is no great discovery to science, look at any mountain top and the same thing is happening but it was the amazing difference it makes, one minute driving through a black forest and the next a white one.

Monday 19th November 2007

The snow and ice started to melt again last night as the temperature has risen to 3 degrees, consequently the road was extremely slippery this morning, I got caught by surprise and nearly went over so I'll be driving very carefully later on when I go into town. Studded tyres only give you so much extra grip. This kind of weather always reminds me of the UK with snowfall, people are quick to moan about how everything grinds to a halt but in fairness it doesn't surprise me very much. The UK always has similar temperatures to this when snow comes and so it always has the most slippery snow ever and it doesn't happen often enough for there to be a huge structured snow contingency outfit. Around here there is someone with a tractor or snow plough that is responsible for a set number of roads right from the huge lorries that keep the highway open to the guy who lives just down the road (2km) from me that comes and opens up my driveway for me. There just aren't that many ploughs and tractors in the UK and there are a lot more roads! The other interesting thing about this kind of snow is that it has a big water content and that is in fact what makes it so slippery and also what makes it feel colder outside. The water content is important because it is this fact that makes this snow more likely to freeze railway points because the snow falls then it melts a little then the night comes and the temperature drops and the water, which has dripped into all the small spaces, freezes very nicely encasing the points...or the car door. The up side is that this kind of snow is great for making snowmen and igloos. Once the temperature goes below zero the snow becomes dry which makes it impossible to make a snowball, it's like trying to make one from flour but it makes it much safer to drive on.....by this I mean that I drive faster!

I was out exploring on Saturday night as there was some misty cloud in the sky which reflected the lights of distant towns very well, this often happens in the winter and it confuses me to suddenly see the north sky so well lit all the time when the nearest town that way is about 22 miles away and the sky is usually clear. So my plan was to climb up the hill and see if I could pinpoint the source of the glow but of course the hill is densely covered with pine trees. Have you ever done that? You know that the hill is covered with trees but as you walk up the hill you feel that there will come a time when you will be able to see from the top despite the logic in your brain that says no.....well the logic was right, no matter how far I went there was always trees in front of me. My theory would have worked if I was taller than the trees but these guys were all about 3 metres tall so I had no chance. It was fun feeling my way through a dense patch of trees in the dark, I realise that walking through dark forests at night isn't everyone's cup of tea but I love it. However, the inevitable happened and I got a branch right in the eye and then I had to stumble all the way back home with one good eye, man that hurt! So I spent yesterday with a patch over it whilst my body set about healing what I presume was a scratched eyeball. I had great fun finding out all about perception and mono vision by trying to touch things precisely with my index finger and by accidentally walking into a few walls. My daughter said it was funny because she could sit next to me and pull faces and I didn't have a clue....bless the darling little child. Today the patch is off, it's a little sore still but better.....now where's that sweet child of mine.....

Friday 16th November 2007

This morning had one of those beautiful steel grey skies that gives the promise of more snow to add to the beautiful white landscape that already surrounds me and as I walked down the road with the dogs the rising sun started to warm up the colours until suddenly the whole world was bathed in a soft pink light. It was like walking in a world that had been painted with one of those white with a hint of pink type paints. Then four swans flew over on their way south from Siberia, looking all pink and majestic. By the time I arrived back home the sky was glowing orange and the world was now bathed in a warm orange glow, what a fantastic way to start a day! Now whilst I'm writing this the snow has started falling quite heavily and the constant traffic of birds to my feeders has slowed down a little as they take shelter. I was at the dentist again last night for another of my old mercury fillings to be replaced and for the first time I came away with an aching jaw, I think the novelty of getting it done had worn off and I'm into the long hard slog part now but luckily my next appointment isn't until January. It's important to have time between each one to let the body recover and mop up any mercury that was released during the process. I'm taking the usual charcoal tablets and masses of vitamin C and selenium to provide enough anti oxidant cover. My jaw feels fine this morning too.

I have now updated my gallery with many new and fantastic photos. If anyone would ever want to have a full copy of any of my photos then please just ask me, they are there to be enjoyed. The ones in the gallery have been reduced to assist uploading but I have the original full fat versions.

Thursday 15th November 2007

Many years ago I saw the dangers of ingesting aspartame and I opted to continue with sugar until I sorted out my sweet tooth issues, as the lesser of two evils. It hasn't escaped my notice that the sugar free epidemic is still sweeping the world in some ways driven by our need to 'look' a certain way and I would like to give a link to an article about aspartame...just so you know what it is that you are ingesting and you can make an informed choice. It is worth mentioning here that the Finnish sweetener xylitol is derived from birch trees and I believe is much healthier, I've trained my daughter to check ingredient before she buys chewing gum. A few years ago I drank a whole litre of juice that was sweetened with aspartame.....I only realised my mistake when I started to feel really ill and came out in itchy hives the next day!

If you are interested in articles like this and other natural product information then take a look at Natural Matters website.

Wednesday 14th November 2007

When I came home from the shops on Saturday, at the top of my drive I met some guys off hunting elk. We had seen many cars and trucks as we came along the road as they spread out over quite an area and then slowly close in with their dogs and radios to locate an elk. These hunters were asking if I had dogs and if they were secured. I was quite impressed that my language skills allowed me to converse..or at least answer their questions for a while! A little while after we got indoors a young hunter dog came sniffing round the garden which drove my dogs nuts as they wanted to get out and play with it. Then on Sunday as I was walking my big route round the lake I followed the thin trail of blood all the way along the forest road where the elk had been transported in the back of someone's truck. The following day I got a message that I could collect another large box of elk bones for the dogs...I don't think that it would have been the same elk but it seemed weird to be following the unfolding of the hunting story. Now I'm just waiting for someone to offer me some elk burgers. It's actually one of the few meats that I eat these days as it's free range, natural and organic. The elk hunting season runs from September until Christmas and each hunting group has a set territory and a set number of elk that they are licenced to shot. I don't know how many thousands of elk there are in Finland but they are the main cause of road traffic accidents which is why we have special insurance to cover the damage. Basic cover here is third party, fire, theft and elk. Of course the damage caused is nothing compared to the likelihood of being killed, the elk is a very large animal with long legs so the tendency is for the bonnet to hit the legs and for the body to come through the windscreen...not something that you walk away from easily. I always drive with my guardian angels and I advise the elks to step across the roads with theirs.

There is a small smattering of snow around at the moment and we have had a bright sunny day, the first for a while so consequently as the sun is now disappearing (4.30pm) the temperature is dropping fast. It's now minus 5 and I can actually see the lake surface closing up to ice right in front of my eyes. I plan to take a walk later tonight and listen to the ice forming whilst I check for Northern light activity. It was November 3 years ago that I was overwhelmed by the spectacle of them and I'm keen to sample it again. However checking the map it doesn't look likely for tonight.

Sunday 11th November 2007

I don't normally watch the news or comment on such happenings but the shooting in Finland this week cannot pass without being acknowledged. The enormity of the shock cannot be quantified in any way, I don't know how it comes across to the rest of the world but until Wednesday that kind of thing would never happen here except that now it has.
I don't believe that there is anything different in Finland to the rest of the Europe (I can't speak for the world) and there but for the grace of God. The sadness of the whole situation seems overwhelming at the moment and I feel that the whole country will need some time to come to terms with the shock and start to accept the awful truth that this did happen and it happened here. As a parent I believe that we are all responsible for what happened, I can't begin to imagine the level of pain that would cause a person to strike out in such a way but I would like to stand up and be counted as someone who wishes to change the way that we think so that this doesn't happen again, ever or anywhere.

From accepting bullying as a normal part of life we allow it to continue, by making it somebody else's problem to sort it out we all allow it to grow. It's not just at the grass roots level that we find bullying; I can't help but look at the example that has been set by world governments over the years. It seems that the accepted way has been that when we disagree with the way somebody does something then it is ok to use violence to change the violence that we disagreed with in the first place. Every action that we condone by our silence can perpetuate.

I hope that here in Finland the whole truth of what happened is allowed to come to the light with no judgements that would send anything scuttling back into the shadows to hide again. It is only in the shadows that things can grow unseen and fester, so let us all shine light around us until the entire world is lit up and there is nowhere for any darkness to be.

Wednesday 7th November 2007

After Monday's hard frost came Tuesday's damp thaw with the temperature back up at four degrees. Last night I took my daughter to the cinema to see the movie Stardust, I'd seen it whilst in the UK and thought it was a fantastic film. When we came out of the cinema it was blowing a blizzard so when I got to the forest road for the last few kilometres before home I had to take it carefully as I still had summer tyres on and once we got off the highway the snow was quite deep. I've spent the morning changing the wheels over to my winter set which was it's usual mixture of experiences. I'd had the wheels in the back of the car when I had last gone to the UK just in case it snowed whilst the car was parked at the airport and when I had got home I had just chucked them out of the boot.....unfortunately that meant that my chalk marks to tell me which was which had been mostly wiped off by the weather so my first task was pieces the remaining marks until I could work out the correct positions of the wheels. Then I was struggling to get the nuts undone which is quite unusual now that I've got my wheel brace sorted and I always grease the bolts when I change them. Took me a while to notice that I had gotten clockwise the wrong way round and I had in fact been tightening the bolts instead of undoing them. One hour later job jobbed! The snow is now 5cms thick and it's still snowing. Now I'm just waiting for the chimney sweep to come for the annual sweep.

Monday 5th November 2007

Woke up this morning to find the whole lake frozen solid and the rest of the world was white with frost as the overnight temperature was minus 8. I tried standing on the lake but it didn't hold my weight but I didn't really expect it too. After my meditation class tonight there was a layer of snow on everything, not enough to worry that I still have summer tyres on my car but just enough to lighten the dark night.

Sunday 4th November 2007

I took a walk through the village on Friday whilst my car was at the garage having the new thermostat fitted and I got to see some Finnish life close up. There was the old guy with his scooter come zimmer frame that most of the old folk round here have, it's like a walking frame with four wheels connected by platforms that you can stand on, it has a big basket at the front for their shopping and in the winter time when the snow has arrived the wheels can be replaced with skis. The old folk can lean on it as they go up the hill and then jump on and scoot down the other side, I can't wait to get mine! I passed this old guy as he was slowly pushing his scooter up a slope and then he whizzed past me going down the other side. I also got a closer look at one of the properties that is up for sale in the centre of the village, it's on a large plot and there are two houses that look quite large but they need a lot of work doing on them but the whole lot is up for sale for €89,900. Could you imagine that in the UK? I know of another small house on a large plot that is up for €45,000, which is approximately £32K. The price of apartments is much higher as the Finns prefer them these days in contrast to the UK where I think most people would prefer to live in a house. Whilst I'm talking about houses for sale I should mention my friends' place that they have on the market, it's an old house that has had much renovation done to it, it's in the village but out on the borders next to a small river. There are loads of out buildings and it's very beautiful. The other thing that I noticed was how little the Finns smile as they walk through the village, I think that it is reserved for people that they know and that is a shame because the energy that passes between two people that smile at each other is beautiful. It is one of the biggest things that I miss about the UK that I'm a bit limited by my language skills and so I can't engage in idle chat that brings a smile to people's faces. I try smiling at everyone but sometimes I just get a scowl back, whoops!

We've had some snow flurries these past few days but today was bright and sunny although a bit chilly to start with but it was an ideal day to get a new photo of my house nestled amongst the forest now that the leaves have fallen off the birch trees. You can see my house in this photo, it's the yellow one on the left and the one that you can see in the middle belongs to my neighbour who lives about half a kilometer from me. The birch trees appear purple now that the leaves have fallen off and they contrast with the darkness of the fir trees very nicely. You can't see much of the lake from up on the hill as it's hidden behind the trees but you can see the white building at Mairela which is the shore side sauna. On the way home from the hill side the low autumn sun was shining through the trees and lit up a forest fern so beautifully that I had to take a photo to show.

Tuesday 30th October 2007

The weather has warmer up again thanks to the clouds but I was still surprised to come across some chanterelles as I wandered through the forest this morning, however, they made a nice lunch snack. There must have been a few frosty nights as the cranberries are much sweeter than when I picked them a few weeks ago, apparently the frost turns more of the fruit into sugar. I've been eating quite healthily since getting back from the UK and on Saturday I started a parasite cleanse. I haven't done one since just after my chemotherapy so it's long overdue. Don't worry, I won't keep updates on any eliminations! It's a natural cleanse based on green hulled black walnut tincture, wormwood and cloves. I've also been researching natural foods that will help to keep worms at bay and my favourite so far is a cup of grated carrot every morning, I'm not sure if the grated part is important but I'm presuming not and eating my carrots just like bugs bunny.

I finally got a call from the elk hunters to collect some bones for my dogs which is a treat that they get at this time of year. The outside cages look like some kind of massacre has taken place there as it is literally half an elk that they have. When I drive home with the box in the back of the car I often wonder what would happen if I had some kind of collision and that lot got slung across the road. I noticed that something had been here one night and stolen some of the meat from the box as I just left it outside,I have no idea who it was but I presume the fox or raccoon dog.

Wednesday 24th October 2007

Today is United Nations day according to my calendar, so I looked it up and it's a day to make known the achievements and aims of the UN to the people of the world. I haven't heard anything though so maybe they haven't got much going on right now. I'm not sure if that's good or bad news for the world! I've been away in the UK for a while and only flew back late on Monday night.

I had to get up early the next day to drop my car at the local garage as I finally decided to have an engine heater fitted. My old Citroen didn't have one and never let me down but last winter I had a spell of non starting from my old Skoda. I sorted it out then by a long extension lead, a fan heater and a blanket all stuffed under the bonnet for an hour or so but I realised that wasn't a very safe or reliable way to get the car going so this year I took the plunge and had a proper heater fitted. Apparently I'm not supposed to leave it plugged in all the time, only for a few hours before I start the car so if I have an early start, which luckily is extremely rare, I'll have to get up extra early to switch it on. It's such a normal thing here in Finland, you see many car parking spaces outside apartment blocks and offices that have places you can plug into. I'm also getting a new thermostat for the car as it hasn't been giving very good heat which was fine during the summer but I couldn't face a winter driving in minus 20 odd degrees without some warm air blowing around me.

After I dropped the car off I cycled down to the dentist for another appointment. I've been having loads of work done recently, taking advantage of being in Finland where I can get all my old poisonous mercury amalgam fillings taken away because the Finns won't use it as it's so dangerous. Not only do my back teeth look much nicer with white fillings but I'm much healthier too. I've taken precautions before and after the treatments to minimise the risk of the mercury getting into my system. I take loads of charcoal tablets to soak up any poison and heaps of vitamin C and selenium to bombard my system with anti oxidants. I had another appointment today with a different assistant, plus it was a longer appointment so I had 2 teeth done on the top. The difference was incredible! Yesterday was no problem but today it seemed my mouth was being drilled for ages, the assistant squirted water everywhere including up my nose, she stuck the tray on my chest which made me feel claustrathopic and she trapped my hair between the seat and her legs. She didn't seem to have any spacial awareness or any concept of how difficult it is to lie down with your mouth open when someone is pouring water straight down your throat. I'm back again on Friday and I'm hoping it's her day off!

During the long dentist ordeal I took advantage of some new skills that I learnt on Saturday night when I did a firewalk. I walked 3 metres over the burning embers of a wood fire in bare feet and it was very easy. The not so easy part for me was facing my fear of participating in the training stuff beforehand witha crowd of people that I didn't know and in fact participating in the training in front of somebody that I did know! Firewalking is all about facing your fears, accepting your fear but not letting it stop you from achieving something. As I said my greatest fear was doing the practice walk in front of people, I felt a right idiot and I really really didn't want to do it but I recognised that as my 'firewalk', I accepted my fear of humiliation (one of my biggest fears) and I did it anyway because I wanted to achieve mastery of my mind. After that, walking across hot embers was a walk in the park! Too often we let our mind shape our reality and it doesn't always serve us. This morning I took the image of me with my lovely white teeth and mercury free body being happy and jubilant and I filled myself with that image and that feeling rather than the alternative of filling my mind with images of drills and teeth and feeling miserable. Of course the question of trust comes into it too, it is physically possible to walk over the fire but you have to trust the organisers to have the temperature right, using the right kind of wood, making sure there are no foreign objects like stray nails that would cause a nasty burn and to train you adequately to sharpen your focus. Some people think that there are no mystical parts to firewalking and maybe it's just a matter of semantics but it remains that organisers can do everything just as it should be but if the individual firewalker cannot find the inner strength to fill themselves with positive energy be it mental images or positive emotions or whatever, then chances are they will get burnt. If you expect and think pain and misery then most likely via the laws of attraction that is what you will get. Take note of what goes on in your mind and use it to serve your purpose not to thrash yourself with. If you are interested in doing a firewalk and raising money for whatever charity you choose then take a look at Blazefirewalking.

Thursday 11th October 2007

I was commenting to a friend last week about how we were having a cloudy damp autumn which made it warmer because of the cloud cover, so many flowers were still in bloom and there were loads of mushrooms and berries to be found. I photographed some great looking green mushrooms, no idea what they are called and I certainly won't be eating them! Now we are into the other kind of autumnal weather with bright sunny days and very cold nights, this morning was the first frosty windscreen morning, many of the plants have been killed off, the ground is hard, the ditches are icy and the sun is shining all over. The flock of great tits that live here with me are feasting on the forest of sunflowers in my garden providing me with the usual entertainment. Most of the leaves have fallen off the birch trees too, I noticed that this year the top leaves stayed on the trees until last and in some cases remained a mixture of green and yellow in particular among the younger trees. I wish I had some insightful reason for that happening but I don't. London girl still has a lot to learn about the trees! The poles to mark the sides of the road for the snow plough have been in place for a week now so it seems that we are all set for the big wind down towards wintertime. I've been pretty busy with wood cutting, chopping and stacking around the place and I'm proud of what I have managed to achieve. By not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the vastness of the task of the four large windfall trees at the far edge of the garden in the forest I have slowly little by little cut them, transported them through very rough undergrowth, chopped and stacked them neatly to dry out. The transportation was the biggest stumbling point, literally, and was achieved with a mixture of throwing lumps of wood and chopping bigger pieces into more easily throwable sizes. Not the most energy efficient way of doing it but it saved my ankles being broken or twisted by all that walking across branches and stuff and it has left me with a better toned stomach which you can't actually see under the flab cover but it's there all the same, and some tighter biceps too.

I'm also just coming to the end of another cycle of cleansing involving the use of special herbs and disgusting psyllium husk and clay shakes to pick up all the toxic stuff and whizz it through the body before it gets reabsorbed. It was about this time last year that I did my first big one and that lasted 24.5 days before I cracked and demolished a giant bar of chocolate followed by the contents of my kitchen! I'm going to avoid such a huge swing this year by being more relaxed about the whole thing. This morning was the start of the new moon and so begins another period of building myself up as opposed to clearing stuff out and so my cleanse will slowly tail off in the next few days. Both building up and clearing out, have an equal part to play in life and it is helpful to stay in step with natural cycles so that you don't have to force anything....well not so much! The new moon as I said is a time to build up with, as the moon gets bigger so do we! After the full moon as it recedes this is a time of clearing out and reducing. So too with the autumn energy, this is a time for clearing out and receding, a natural contraction on the energetic wave of life and conversely in the spring will come a new time for growth and building up again. So the best time for a good detox is on a waning moon in the autumn and the best time for building yourself up is on a waxing moon during the spring. That doesn't mean that you can't do either at anytime, these are just the times when the forces of nature are at their most powerful and you can ride that wave.

Thursday 27th September 2007

I went to visit the beaver again today and took some pictures to share with you. This is what the beaver lodge looks like. When I got there only one beaver was at home, I don't know if that bodes ill for the others but maybe they were just out somewhere. The one at home was making its scary noises at me from inside the lodge right underneath where I was sitting and when I took no notice of that it splashed and crashed its tail against the side which made the whole lodge move, if I wasn't so sure of the benign nature of these beautiful creatures it would have sent me running for the hills that's for sure. Eventually I heard a splash and I could follow the line of bubbles coming up from the water that signified that the beaver was coming out. It surfaced about 20 metres from the lodge and started to show its displeasure by smashing its tail on the water. After a bit of that it came closer to inspect me and probably to see what that thing I kept pointing at it was and then eventually it accepted that I was harmless if not a little annoying and it lay on the top of the water about 3 metres from me quite relaxed so I could see the whole of its one metre length including the big rudder of a tail! Then finding me to be very boring it dived in a great frothing of water and the line of bubbles went back under the lodge and I heard it reappear in its living room beneath me. I left it in peace after that. I hope you enjoy the pictures.

Tuesday 25th September 2007

As I watched my little Lhaso Apso rolling herself on a dead squashed and luckily dried out toad this morning it reminded me how my dogs take on a more natural persona the more time that they spend here living in the forest soaking up the wilderness vibe! I don't know how many domestic dogs hunt and eat mice, I thought that was a cats job, I'm not so impressed with the catching of hares but I have to admit it's in their basic nature and now they are eating the red berries just like the fox and the raccoon dog do. I do find the rolling on dead things the most disturbing and hard to embrace but my whole business and life style is based on the principle of expanding our essence or true nature so I can't really moan about it......well I can moan about it but I don't expect anyone to listen to me! I'm glad that it's not part of my true nature although I suppose if I was a dog it would be like spraying on some perfume! The Utonagan (Spirit of the wolf) was howling last night, objecting to being alone because my daughter had taken the other one out to pull her along on her scooter. Howling in a suburban setting would probably be very annoying but it seems to fit right in around here especially with the almost full moon that lit up the whole house and reflected across the lake last night. My daughter and I got out the telescope and had a good look at the moon, studying the contours and the different coloured areas. Up on the right hand side around 1.30 (clock) there was a dark area but it had one small white dot in the middle of it and we were wondering how it looked close up or what it was.

Talking of being in your true essence or true nature, that is the way that I have found myself to be more and more recently. After falling into a depression a while back I realised more and more gradually that although I wasn't quite depressed as the books would define it I was different. Part of that difference is that I feel very peaceful with doing what feels like 'nothing' and yet I am getting lots of work done. I think that this is a classic example of letting go of controls over my life, leaving behind all the labels that I had about what I should or shouldn't be doing. The depression at the beginning was a reaction of the ego mind to the release of all its held beliefs about who I was and how I should be, the ego mind only sees death when my true essence is expanding towards freedom. Another part of that freedom is being able and happy to announce that I am depressed or that I am sick with flu because there are many people who think that I can't be a very good healer if I am sick......and I included my former self in that category too! However, that is not what healing is about, that conforms to the Western medical mind of stopping symptoms rather than bring about a holistic (whole body) recovery. When I have flu or somesuch and my nose is streaming I see that my body is eliminating something and I know that the physical form (the mucous) will have some emotional and mental garbage within it too, therefore I positively encourage the release of it and I certainly don't rush off to the chemist to find something to stop the flow because I want all that stuff out of my body. I trust the innate wisdom of my body to deal with toxins or unwanted stuff in an appropriate way, I do not presume to know better. Just like my dogs the longer I spend connected to the natural vibe whilst living in a forest the more I return to my basic instincts. My body knows what it is doing and it is my job to assist it however I can rather than hindering it by stuffing my face with crap food or pushing myself too hard when I need to rest etc. How do I know how to assist it? I listen to it and follow what feels natural. It's a cyclical thing just like so much else in nature and you can always jump into the cycle at any point.

Sunday 23rd September 2007

Today is the autumn equinox, the time when the day and the night are of equal lengths and the turning point from longer days to longer nights as we head into the winter. In theory the sun will rise due east and will set due west but that will depend of where you are exactly in the world. I spent the morning back in the forest dismantling dams again despite the fact that I didn't really have adequate footwear on today. I spent some time sat up on the big rock in the forest as the sound of the water rushing past is very relaxing, it would make a great meditation spot if it wasn't such a trek to get to. Looking down from my rock into the pools formed by the dams it was so beautiful with the green moss and ferns growing on the rock and the blue sky and white bark of the birch tree reflected in the pool beneath me so I took this photo. You can't get the sound of the water in this picture but you get the general gist of being transported for half an hour to another place.

We had a birthday party to go to in the afternoon but when we returned in the evening I got a surprise as a beaver swam right past the front of the house. Maybe the third beaver is now looking for his own lake to live in and he's checking out the old lodge here, cool!

Saturday 22nd September 2007

We all went cranberry picking this morning over on the other lake where the beavers live. I've not picked cranberries much before, they are found on the mossy swampy bits at the edge of the lakes. I think that if you leave them a bit longer until after the first frost that they taste sweeter as with the rowan berry more of the berry is converted into sugar but I've been adding them into my apple or blackcurrant crumbles lately and they taste just fine. I love they way that they look against the green of the moss. We had to be careful of course because the moss bed that we were walking on is actually floating on the lake to a certain extent, this became more obvious the more we walked on it and by the way you could actually feel the ground moving up and down as the dog bounced past! It's like walking across a luscious green but very wet spongy carpet.

After we had finished collecting a few litres of cranberries we crossed over the road to walk back through the forest and dismantle the dams that had been rebuilt again, whilst I picked some more lingonberries as the ones around there were huge and looked luscious. I hadn't realised that my daughter had never really seen the beavers properly so later that evening I took her over to the lodge to meet them. There were three of them swimming around but they didn't do so much of their tail smashing. I don't know if that means that they know it doesn't scare us or that they accept that I won't hurt them. I did take some pictures but it was dusk and they are not very clear as the beavers never leave the water whilst I'm around. The water is their territory and they are safest there. As an extra bonus on the way back home the sunset was very beautiful against the trees.

Friday 21st September 2007

This morning I felt inspired to go and dismantle the beavers dams that are blocking the stream between my lake and its feeder lake. This wasn't just some whim of destruction but an attempt to keep the beaver profile a bit lower as the hunting season is upon us. The man that I saw last week was concerned about the amount of water gathering at the end of his road and I know that they always get trouble with that road end during the winter time plus they went to a lot of effort last year to dig out the ditches, put in pipes and generally improve the flow of water to stop the road from flooding. It's a gravel road and it only has to get soggy and any traffic starts to rip it apart so I know that eliminating the beaver to maintain the road is highly likely. So I set off through the forest to dismantle the dams and start the flow again to drain the ditches and get folk to forget about the beaver. There were only 2 dams but they were huge and had obviously been there for a while as the forest was very flooded, I felt as if I was wading through a mangrove swamp! The second dam was quite high too because it was in a place where there is a huge boulder on one side and another rock ledge on the other so that the flow of the stream narrows naturally. You can't hurry a job like this as each stick has been laid individually and it's like a muddy, smelly and wet version of pick up sticks. I love doing it though as it's fascinating watching and listening to the flow of the water as very slowly it starts to move again as I remove piece after piece. It made me think about the flow of energy in the human energy field because the flow of water is such a good analogy to use to show the effects of our energy field. We create blockages inside of us all the time by hiding parts of ourselves that we deem to be disapproved of either by ourselves or others and then we create defences on top of that to keep everything nicely hidden away. Then when the energy isn't moving any more it becomes stagnant and then this stagnant energy starts to spill over and affect other parts of ourselves which is the forerunner to dis-ease. As I removed the lumps of mud just as with healing techniques I remove blockages the flow starts again because it is an inherent quality of water and energy to flow naturally. As more blocks are removed as with the dam the flow gets stronger and faster and actually starts to take down more of the blocks itself without any effort required until eventually the roots of the dam are uncovered and once they are removed then the flow returns completely back to it's natural state just as our energy flow does. I also noticed that just like with healings at the beginning when I am removing one small piece at a time it seems as if I will never really get anywhere but at some point it seems to reach a critical mass, the balance is tipped and everything really starts to flow and results are seen so much more quickly. The amount that is needed to reach this tipping point is always quite small in comparison to the whole and that always gives me good heart.

I think that the growth in human awareness, the consciousness of the human collective is approaching critical mass too and maybe this mystical date of 2012 that people talk about will be the time that we reach it and the flow of energy around the earth will become clearer by the day. What will that mean to anybody? Well if we all have greater awareness of the planet as a whole and the human race as a whole then it will affect our decisions. For example at the moment we know that there is too much rubbish being produced but your average person doesn't think that it will make one iota of difference if they recycle because they figure that most people don't so what's the point but as our consciousness grows we will see for ourselves that everything we do does make a difference. When we can actually see, hear, feel or know for ourselves the precise impact of every piece of rubbish we throw in the trash then we will start to think about what we recycle and then about what we buy and so on it goes until this flow of thinking becomes self sustaining just like the flow through the dam starts to dismantle the dam itself. If you are one of those who do recycle at the moment but are thinking of giving up just remember that you are pulling out those small pieces that will eventually help us all to reach critical mass.

I picked on the recycling issue as I have been thinking about that recently after noticing that I have now reduced my rubbish to a carrier bag (paper one) full about every 6 weeks and I'm very proud of that and I'm very proud of Finland's system of recycling that allows me to achieve that result. Most beer and soft drink bottles are recycled straight back into use, you can see from the marks around the neck of the bottle that it has been through a processing plant many times and if you can find the date on your glass bottle you can figure out how many times the same bottle may have been used....and you can wonder why other countries don't do that. I remember a few years ago there was a huge campaign in the UK press against bottled water, how it was killing the planet because of the mountain of bottles at the tip and why didn't people just drink tap water as it was really safe. I wrote to a daily paper to point out that the reason that tap water was so safe was that it was bleached and thank you very much but I don't actually want to drink bleach, however I accept that it does kill germs. Also I asked why if everyone was so concerned about the amount of bottles in the rubbish that they didn't offer recycling facilities for them as they all have the recyclable mark on them and many countries in Europe do that. Strangely enough it never got printed but I don't think the questions should stop being asked.

Tuesday 18th September 2007

I really do prize my sense of humour and it has served me well in the past few days! We always have a choice about how we can react to any situation and the difference it can make to our lives is quite amazing. For instance on Sunday it was raining very heavily but I dressed up in all my wet weather gear to take the big dogs out for a walk and while I was heading down the road I met an old guy who lives around here. He was chatting about the water levels in the ditches as the beavers have dammed it so much.....at least that was the general gist I think! It was one of those very one sided conversations where I just nodded a lot and hoped he didn't ask me anything too complicated. It wasn't until later that I realised that he had thought I was my mother. Now I love my mother dearly and she looks great but I'm 30 years younger than she is....that really was a nasty bout of flu me thinks! I know that I was encased in the very large hood of my rain coat but seriously? I did decide in the end that it was funny.

Today I was inspired to get out my chain saw and sort out some of the trees around the garden to let more light onto my vegetable patch. Then I set off into the forest to cut up some of the fallen birch trees that have been laying around for a while as they need to be cut and chopped before they start to rot. They are about 300m into the forest which doesn't sound so far but when I'm wearing my protective trousers and my special boots it's really hard work. After a while the chain seized up and as I hadn't taken any tools with me I walked back to the shed to dismantle the saw. I really hate doing that as I can never get it to go back together very easily but I gave it a good clean and reassembled it...as usual the chain was hanging down like a washing line! So I dismantled it again and fiddled with it until eventually I got it all to sit right then I felt very proud of myself. I had a slight mishap when I started to fill the petrol up with chain oil but I realised soon enough. So off I set back through the forest again but when I reached the birch trees I found that I hadn't put the petrol cap back on again so most of the fuel had spilled out. Undeterred by this I figured that I should at least cut what I could with the fuel left as I hadn't brought the cans with me so I started to cut up a log only to find it was like trying to cut wood with a teaspoon......I'd put the chain back on the wrong way round!!! This could have been a good time to sit down and cry or scream but I decided again to laugh about it...get out the screwdriver and start all over.

I have though before that laugher can heal and laughter can kill. As with all things it's neither good nor bad but the meaning that we attach to it or the intention behind it makes it what it is. When you are tired and stuff just keeps going wrong you can turn the situation round by laughing about it or having a good belly laugh at something fills you up with beautiful energy, on the other hand when things have gone wrong before my internal bully has turned the laughter onto me as a means of humiliation. Now that I have awareness of what is happening I know which intention I choose to have behind my laughter and I'm very happy that when faced with challenging situations I can choose laughter.

Life really is eclectic round here at times, on Sunday I was watching the beavers swimming around in the lake smashing their tails on the water in disapproval of my proximity, then last night at my Monday meditation meeting the lady ghost who 'lives' in my friend's house visited again and tonight after a long afternoon of chain sawing we were blessed with the most beautiful sky at sunset tonight. The reflection on the lake and the silhouette of the pine trees on the horizon was amazing so I took a quick trip up the road to see the colours better....I realised half way up my road that I only had my long johns on from taking off my safety trousers but it was a warm evening and I live in the middle of a forest so it doesn't really matter!

Friday 14th September 2007

I've been visiting friends over in the east of Finland just by the Russian border and it was an interesting journey with many Russian lorries on the road and it seemed like many car transporters heading towards the border so maybe it is the normal route for car imports into Russia. I was shown a few more types of mushrooms that I could add to my list of edible varieties. It's amazing just how many people come over to Finland nowadays to take part in mushroom trips as there are so many of them in the forests and there is so much forest to roam in, what with Finland having the best right to roam laws of the whole of Europe and it being the most forested country in Europe too. I felt inspired to bring home a new type of mushroom that I spotted on my walk this morning as I'm sure I had been shown it before as a good one to eat. It's known as the Wood Hedgehog because of the spines underneath the cap or Urchin of the Woods (Hydnum repandum) and it's quite unmistakable.....which is a good thing with wild mushroom collection! Anyway I added it into the stew mix with all the other mushrooms. I must admit I can't say exactly how it tasted as opposed to the others because I am suffering from some flu type virus at the moment which has laid me out flat. I'm sure it's all part of the normal cleansing process that I'm going through at the moment as I take another step closer to more awareness or greater consciousness. I'm starting to figure that this depression or nothingness that I am in right now is part of my process that will see less attachments to anything. One of the biggest attachments that I have given up recently is my school course, I resigned last week. Since then I have seen just how much of an identity I was getting from the course, I was making it part of who I am and deriving a sense of self from it. This in turn has given me a huge insight into many other attachments that I have been holding, ideas about who I think I am and who I should be rather than just accepting myself for who I am right here and right now. I thought that I had dealt with a lot of this kind of stuff before but it seems that it creeps up on you again and again. It's also quite chaotic and confusing because everytime I want to change something or think about doing something then I know that I'm right back at attachments again! I saw a great quote the other day by Nisargadatta Maharaj "If you have any idea about influencing events, liberation is not for you" and it sums up exactly what I'm stuck in right now. I want to be liberated but the very act of wanting it keeps me from it...no wonder I feel depressed!

Just in case you are wondering why I do this trawling through all my thoughts and stuff, it's because that's what I like to do, I enjoy seeking the truth. It doesn't mean that everyone has to do that, we are all free to make of our lives whatever we wish to, nothing is wrong, everything is a choice.

Tuesday 11th September 2007

I was admiring the randomness of nature this morning as I walked through the forest, at the very top of some Aspen trees the leaves have turned flame red, whilst the birch trees will only produce yellow leaves, the willow herb leaves have gone mostly red this year and yet dotted around are a few still in flower with their pink blooms, various blueberry bushes have also turned a beautiful red colour and the bracken has a golden hue that contrasts with the brown patches spectacularly. The lily of the valley leaves seem to have reappeared after their early spring arrival because of the golden yellow colour they now are which complements the pastel orange berries they are sporting. The falling yellow birch leaves make spotting chanterelle mushrooms a little more difficult, too many times I think I've seen some nestling amongst the green moss only to find it's a leaf. I wonder how many I have missed because I have dismissed them as just fallen leaves. Luckily there is no disguising the milk caps that I'm very partial to, the greeny orange of Lactarius deliciosus which always sounds like a Harry Potter spell for a tasty meal to me! These mushroom are very tasty and you have to be very quick off the mark to find them before all the creatures of the forest floor start to munch on them and live in them! The Ugly milk cap or Lactarius necator isn't so desirable to others but I love it....according to some books it's poisonous but apparently that is because some people have mistaken it for the death cap which of course is the kind of mistake you only make once! There are not so many of the Lactarius trivialis & Lactarius utilis this year although my old dependable mushroom forest was ruined by the forest company thinning it out 2 years ago so maybe I need to find a new place. That's not so easily done as us Finns guard our mushroom places like state secrets! Last year being such a dry summer didn't give much of a mushroom crop except for the Woolly milk cap Lactarius torminosus another one listed as poisonous in my English book but well liked and eaten here in Finland. I haven't seen any of those around this year but that needn't matter as my freezer is filled with them from last autumn. I put all these mushrooms together fried with onions and butter to make a great mushroom stew either with a white sauce or just as they are. After the milk caps have gone when the nights become freezing there will still be the Cantharellus tubaeformis to collect, these are like chanterelles but brown and they are great for drying.

I also noted that the rowan trees have little or no fruit on them this year which I believe is due to the dry year last year. They produced a mass of berries last autumn in contrast to all the other absences of fruit but it seems the effects hit them a year on. Maybe this is also the reason that the wild raspberry crop in my forest wasn't so good either. It's funny how everything is affected differently much the same as we all are affected in many diverse ways by life's events.

Sunday 9th September 2007

Autumn is marching onwards very swiftly here in the North, a huge flock of cranes heading south flew over on Friday, the landscape on the hill opposite me is growing more yellow by the day in stark contrast to the dark green of the christmas trees and the forest floor is thick with lingon berries and mushrooms. Still there is an air of waiting for I know not what and I've been hit by a cleaning frenzy that has seen my windows clearer than I've ever known them. There is definitely a clearing process going on both in and around me right now. It's like a massive spring clean,only it's autumn instead! The waning moon, which is associated with cleansing and clearing out is almost at an end with the new moon on Tuesday.

I took the dogs with me in the rowing boat over to a hill on the other side of the lake. It's a bit tricky to land there and it's not easy to get to via the forest so I know that nobody else ever goes there and the last time I visited it was about 4 years ago. It was so peaceful to sit up there and watch over the lake from a new angle knowing that nobody would come past. There weren't so many berries as I had previously collected over there but I collected what there was anyway as they seemed to be special to me, I knew that nobody in the whole world had ever seen these berries before and that really appealed to me.

Monday 3rd September 2007

This strange limbo land of energy is still surrounding me and I have started to see that it isn't just affecting me at the moment. There are many people who feel as if they have made a large step forward with their awareness and consciousness and yet nothing seems to be happening. Apparently this is a normal stage when the earth energy is about to make a large step forward in consciousness and the next major shift is expected around the 11th September. Until then it almost feels as if my guide has a hand on my forehead holding me gently back from my desire to surge forward and as with all things I trust in that guidance and wait to see what comes. The autumn equinox on the 23rd September will also bring about a strong surge of energy so it will be interesting times in the next few weeks.

Friday 31st August 2007

Last night and again this morning I am still in that strange state of feeling depressed and being happy to be there, I figured yesterday that if my depression is taking me to another place where I will be closer to the truth of who I am (closer to essence) then I am very happy to be depressed because it is serving my purpose. Just as my cancer took me to new places within myself that I hadn't been consciously aware of before and stripped away all the unimportant baggage that I was carrying to reveal the simple truths about me and who I am, so too is my depressed feeling stripping away the dross. I'm even wondering now if it is a depressed feeling anymore (although it certainly was previously!), maybe this new compacted state that doesn't show so much interest in many things is the state where only the things important to me have my attention and therefore my energy, maybe the things that are falling away from me will no longer serve a part of my reality.

I know sometimes after a very expanded state of being the normal laws of physics apply and there follows a very contracted state until the bodies settle down to the new expansion. That contracted state can feel awful especially after a very expanded state. It reminds me of how much I used to be affected by my hormone levels, it wasn't the actual hormones that caused me problems but the vast differences between the two states, it was when my hormone levels dropped, quite naturally, that it would send me crazy. A similar thing still happens to me with my blood sugar level, I can eat a Mars bar then fall asleep 10 minutes later when my blood sugar drops again after the sudden increase. There is always a mapping between the physical reactions of our bodies and the energetic qualities we hold. From what I have just mentioned I would say that I have great capacity to open up to essence (spirit) and be very expanded and open, however, I don't have the structure in place to maintain that expanded state for very long because previously I have been too affected by outside influences, what we would call lack of self esteem, there was no real sense or structure of 'me'. So now as I have been spending the years working through the blockages that encourage me to seek myself from outside sources (i.e. if my partner doesn't seem loving towards me then my world collapses), the blockages that stop me from showing those sides of me (i.e. the side of me that would never admit to wanting to be shown affection as that would equate to a weakness that would leave me open to manipulation) and also to growing my essence, the part of me that knows how beautiful and perfect I am, just like everyone else. As I travel further down this path the 'come down' from my expanded states isn't so severe and I don't get so caught up in it emotionally and mentally because I really do trust that everything is working for me, that everything is in divine order. So maybe this deep feeling inside me is becoming more about a vast sense of calm and peace where the previous manic chattering has been quietened until eventually it will fade away. Maybe. well, that would be nice. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday 29th August 2007

Monty Python said nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition and the Buddhists say have no expectations and then you will have no suffering. Now I say that although I hadn't really thought about what to expect after throwing myself off the spiritual cliff into the land of surrender, if questioned I probably would have mentioned skipping through the daisies and laughing a lot whilst spinning round like a big kid. Long drawn out tiredness and depression wasn't what I expected but that is what I have got. I've been in the midst of depression now for over a week now and I had thought about not writing about it here. You know...perpetuate the myth of the happy and perfectly peaceful healer but it is exactly that kind of perception which causes so much of my pain and angst in the first place so I've decided to out myself and admit that I am feeling depressed right now. Strangely enough I'm also feeling peaceful in my depression because I still have one part of me that has a deep trust in this process, that knows that this is something that I personally have to experience in order to show me something that will give me the understanding to make different choices in the future. I also know that part of me is very angry somewhere within all this and of course the anger is covering the deep fear that my ego has about all these changes. The death of the ego never comes easy. The anger is directed at the way the world works, or doesn't work. I'm angry because my mind likes things to be logical and ordered and the universe doesn't seem to follow patterns that my mind can map, it says we have to 'be happy' to manifest happy and that the mood we choose to experience is the one that will persist but on the other hand the spiritual teachers also talk about just being with yourself however that may be because if we fight it and make it wrong then it will persist, just accept it and it will lift away. My mind can't square with itself how to 'fake it to make it' and be authentic at the same time, damn that duality! So I've ended up sat here feeling depressed and just letting that be so it can show me all the things I can learn from what is happening within me but I'm also conscious that if I don't get up off my butt soon and do something then this depressed state will continue....and that depresses me too. It would be hilarious to be caught in such a loop if it wasn't so depressing. So the part of me that knows this is the only way to dismantle all the mental structures I have within my life (internal and external) is the part that I am trusting in to bring me back to light. Don't know when it will happen but even in the midst of my depression I have faith in it, it's a part of me and I have learnt to trust me. I'll keep you posted...

Sunday 19th August 2007

Today is my birthday! I can reveal that I am a staggering 44 years young! After eating lots of rich chocolates for my breakfast I set off on a long walk in the hot sunshine to get some shots of the surrounding forest landscape. Here is my first picture taken from across the lake just before I climb up the big hill to take the very far reaching view with forest as far as the eye can see. You can see my lake down between the trees and you can just about make out the pier coming out from my sauna. Seeing Mairela from up there really reminds me of just how lucky I am to live in such a place.

Saturday 18th August 2007

I had a healing yesterday to shift some of the anxiety about my 'hanging from a thread'. It transpired to me during the healing that I had come to blame and hate my back for so much during my life and yet it paralleled so much of what has happened in my life. After the healing I knew that I needed to have a conversation with my lower back to sort a lot of stuff out. So this morning I sat down and wrote to my back.

Dear Back, I have been treating you badly over the years, just as has been done to me, so I have done to you. I've blamed you for all my shortcomings. When I was afraid to do something I used you to hide behind as a convenient excuse but if it looked like I was appearing weak, and I don't like to be exposed like that, then I would just shut you away and ignore you. So maybe it has been really good and very apt that you have been in my awareness recently. I've been allowing myself to feel your pain and weakness because a few months ago I came to the understanding that my vulnerabilities were not my weakness but they contained the basis of my strength.

If I am completely open and show myself exactly as I am, nothing hidden, everything there for all to see because I am happy with myself just the way I am, then nothing can make any negative impact on me (or positive ego boosts for that matter). There will be no reason for my energy to be distorted or blocked. I am complete and totally beautiful just as I am. Healing will always come with that knowing.

So now I don't feel the need to hide parts of myself away and there you are all stiff and sore and rigid. Bless you dear back for all the suffering that you have taken onto yourself over the past years, at least for 32 years since the first time I remember you suffering pain. You have taken on all that suffering, holding in all those tensions that kept me safe as a child and what did you ever get in return from me? Mostly abuse, I hated you, I hated what you had made me or what I perceived you had made me, an inflexible cripple. But it wasn't you that had done it to me, we are one and the same. I was both the perpetrator and the victim. What madness was that!

But now is the time to end it my dear back. If you are so broken and wretched that you can no longer keep going then I ask you to release all your holding, just let it all go. If we collapse right here, right now there is no shame in that, it will simply be just how we are and now we know that how we are right now is beautiful, it is all in divine perfection. You have been the part which has shown me exactly what I have been doing to myself for all these times. Yet now I know that I don't need any of those old fights anymore, I'm letting them all go and I invite you to join me in letting them go and leaving them behind, so that together, just as it should be, we can leap from the edge into the unknown.

There will be no old ties holding us back (under the guise of supposedly keeping us safe) and we can then free fall because we know we will be held, we know that we will be provided for and we know that there is nothing outside of divine perfection. What do you think?

I don't know, it has been such a long time being upright like this that I'm not sure I'm capable of being who I really am. I don't even know what that is anymore. But I do like the idea of the freedom and I do know that I want the wholeness and I do know you speak the truth and I do know you are being honest with me but I am scared of the unknown, I am scared of letting you down, although now that I came to say that I don't think I am anymore, I think we understand each other now. You know why I am the way I am and you won't get annoyed, afraid, ashamed and frustrated by me anymore. And I won't hate you back.

We have finally seen each other totally exposed and totally open and from that place understanding cannot fail but to come forth. When you have nothing to hide then there is full openness and the truth and the light shine forth.

I can feel the softening of my back now as I write this and I know that another big piece of my fragmented whole, my fragmented soul has been brought back to wholeness. That is what this path is all about and I am grateful to all those who helped me in this big step. Some of you know who you are and some of you don't but I love you all.

Thursday 16th August 2007

It's been a strange week which I had put down to me being too enthusiastic with my cleansing process around the new moon but by this morning I could no longer delude myself that the general feeling of 'not quite right'ness was just a physical thing. I've been sleeping a lot which always happens when I take a big spiritual step and my whole inner body has been vibrating for days now. It was a bit strange the first time it happened but I'm used to it now!

This morning I chose to stay in bed rather than do all the things that I 'should' be doing because I had realised that it was my internal list of things to do that I was driving myself mad with and causing a lot of upheaval to myself. Earlier this year I had a great healing which lead me to realise that I was controlling everything in my life and since then, by choice, I have started to work through my controls as they come into my awareness. When I can clearly see the structure that I have in place that fits all the pieces of my life neatly onto it I dismantle it. A large part of my old world structure was removed from me 2 weeks ago (by my credit card company!) and I didn't panic, didn't fall into a huge depression as I would have done a few years ago and I was very proud of myself, I can see that I have made progress.

Now I am really beginning to feel the energetic effects of all that releasing and I feel as if I've woken up from a dream and I'm suspended over a cliff by a very thin thread. My faith tells me that if I let myself fall I will be held and supported and my life will be more free that way. However, my mind is screaming at me to grab that thread and start to weave more into it, to return it to its previous strength and I can see why my ego thinks like that because from where I'm dangling and with what the ego 'knows', I will die if the thread breaks but then there is the other part of me that 'knows' that if the thread breaks, or I cut it, then I will be saved and I will be free. In fact if I stay bound up by the thread then I will surely die (my cancer dis-ease showed me that). In the limited world of the ego the threads that 'keep me safe' are the same threads that strangle me and keep me limited.

It was no surprise to me that when I eventually got out of bed and came to look up some info on the computer that I needed for my studies that I came across a transcript of a conversation which showed me exactly what I needed to see and hear. It has reminded me that I always am in choice about what I do and I can stay here dangling for a while and just enjoy the view, no pressure, no judgment. You can read it here if you like.

Wednesday 15th August 2007

I like to write short poems,
I like to make them rhyme,
I don't do it so often,
As I just don't have the time.

So now I'm sat here, keyboard set,
Just waiting for the words,
I've sat here now for quite some time,
But nothing's happened yet!

I think I'll wait a wee while more,
You never can quite tell,
Inspiration may soon strike,
And knock me to the floor.

Well nothing's happened, nadda, zip,
I think I'm wasting time,
It's lucky for me that idle moments,
Aren't considered a crime!

No, now I think I'll give it up,
It's just not going to come,
Think I'll take a walk in,
Or maybe phone me mum.

10 minutes later....

I tried to write a poem,
It didn't really work,
It's lucky no one saw it,
I'd look a right old burke.

The rhythm was haphazard,
The lines were out of time,
To cap it all,
To make it worse,
The damned thing didn't rhyme.

Fruit flies

My house is full of fruit flies,
They're driving me insane,
I've splattered quite a few today,
Upon the window pane.

I've locked up all my fruit bowls,
I've hidden all the bread,
But still the little bleeders,
Are swarming round my head.

Why do they keep returning?
I didn't ask them here,
And yet as sure as anything,
They turn up every year!

We studied them at school you know,
To research DNA,
I never dreamt in those school times,
They'd seek me out one day.

Maybe it is my karma,
Maybe it is my fate,
For keeping them in big glass jars,
And watching as they'd mate.

Some produced red bodies,
The recessive gene was white,
Don't know why they bothered,
As they don't have coloured sight.

But now they share my household,
Right now they share my space,
And I'm very sick of seeing them,
Cos they buzz around my face.

Can you tell that tonight I let my inner child out to play for a while?

Tuesday 14th August 2007

My house is now being subjected to its yearly invasion of fruit flies! They turn up at this time of year and no matter how much I try to put everything away that I think they might live on, the little buggers still multiply. It's quite interesting to see the difference in my approach over the years, they are quite an indicator of my journey. Last year I was in my 'I shall not harm anything' mode and consequently had a house full of various insects that drove me insane. Now, instead of pretending that I'm fine with them being there and trying to be all serene and loving I let them know what I think and if they don't leave then it's war! Anyway I didn't come here to share my insect megalomania with you but rather an interesting insight. Looking generally at the world there are many ways to remove the fly from the house, we can catch it, or just swot it but some people spray it with obnoxious chemicals. Now it's not the act of elimination that is the problem here but the fact that we will take the planet with us just to kill a fly! But because we don't see that effect we don't worry about it or do anything to change our method. However if somebody chose to eliminate a fly with a machine gun or a flame thrower we would think they were insane because it is totally over the top and ends up destroying half the house. Thing is, this planet is also our house. Where else will we live when it's gone? Now if we were as consciously aware of the total effect of the fly spray as we were of the machine gun or flame thrower outcomes I think we would think twice and go get a rolled up newspaper. To be fair many people are becoming more aware of the impact of chemicals and are changing their habits. This I believe is where we will gain from the raising of human consciousness on the planet. Because the flies will still be there bugging us (sorry flies, nothing personal) and there will still be people trying to sell us chemical weaponry but we will be consciously aware of the effects and we will be able to see immediately that it would be similar to using the machine gun or flame thrower. From this place we easily make an informed and natural choice. Of course this kind of change will not happen overnight but we will eventually reach critical mass and this raised consciousness will spill over into everyone via the collective consciousness. So for all those people who ask me what is the purpose of flies, wasps and mosquitos, I answer that they are here to show you something about yourself and your home (planet Earth). Now I haven't even touched on Mother Earth being a living consciousness herself.....but that can wait for another day...

Monday 13th August 2007

I saw my very first Eagle Owl (bubo bubo) today. He was sat on a dead tree that had been left on the cleared hill so I could see the silhouette really clearly. I think it is quite unusual for them to be out in the daytime, although there was Bubi who landed in the Helsinki Olympic stadium during a football match this summer. Maybe the Finns called her there as the average wingspan is 200cm (that's 6.5 foot!) and they were trying to beat the Belgians in a European Football Championship qualification match! Anyway it was really great to finally catch sight of one of these magnificent birds. A strange thing that I notice with bird spotting is that if I go about my normal business the bird will just sit where it is but if I stop and point, or heaven forbid point a camera at them, they fly away immediately.

Sunday 12th August 2007

There is a new moon tonight at 1.01 am local time so I'm trying to keep aware of it so that I don't stuff myself with lots of food! It's also a really good time to detox so I made myself a super brew of herbs this morning to give my kidneys and lungs a good clear out using Goldenrod, Nettles, Chaga mushroom and coltsfoot.

If you are interested in learning more about energy Healing there is an open day on 1st September in London. Even if you aren't interested in training courses it's a fascinating day out and the chance to experience some new ideas and health benefits. If you have a colour printer please feel free to distribute the poster to anyone who may be interested.

Saturday 11th August 2007

My old Citroen which has lain broken on the edge of the forest was finally taken away today. I had expected that the view from my kitchen would be very different after it left but it appears not! I suppose that is because I threw a green sheet over it and everything else around here is totally green at the moment. As the car was being lifted into the back of the lorry all of the memories associated with it came flooding back and I felt quite sad to see it go. There was the time I let my daughter drive it on a disused airfield when she was 8 years old, she set off like Sterling Moss but unfortunately went right into the marshy bit next to us. I had visions of the car sinking and us being locked in, we swapped positions so fast and I reversed it out within seconds, then we collapsed laughing about it. She still maintains that I left the wheels facing the wrong way when she got in. Then there was my epic journey from Scotland to here via Newcastle, Gothenburg, Stockholm and Helsinki in July 2003 with all my personal bits and pieces wedged around me. I slept in a layby outside Edinburgh after finding out the cost of a room for the night, I remember the hotel receptionist saying that it included a continental breakfast as if that somehow justified the £90 they wanted for a single bed! I picked up a young guy hitchhiking the next day, we'd already met in the layby before I drove past him so I felt safe enough to give him a ride. When I stopped for breakfast in the next town I gave him a tenner and told him to grab something to eat. I saw him drive past me later that day grinning and I felt slightly guilty about the person who's car he had clearly stolen, but I have to admit it made me smile! The good Samaritan didn't get this kind of hassle! I thought about the time I had upset my partner again (easily done) and he drove back to Scotland with the Citroen. I decided that I'd had enough (again) and so I got a flight up to Aberdeen to arrive just after he left for work (praying he didn't have the day off and that he had taken his bike to work as usual), let myself into the house, cleared out all my stuff into the Citroen and headed south. The adrenaline rush that day was enormous! There were so many other memories involving the car and it was strange how they all came to the surface but it almost felt like part of my life was leaving, like a huge chapter of my life had just closed forever and where the car stood, symbolising this, is an empty space just waiting for me to fill it with the next chapter of my life. I've done a chapter outline already, now all I have to do is to continue living it and the rest will write itself.

Friday 10th August 2007

I made it onto the roof!! I was absolutely terrified on the way up as you can see from this photo (spot the obvious muscles and tendons straining!) but my friend kept encouraging me from the top and I was able to peep over and get a great view of the lake. I also managed a little wave for the camera (I'm the terrified head just peeping over the top!). Getting back down again was equally scary but at least now I can say that I've done it! Plus in return my friend went into the dog cages and stroked Freija's head despite being terrified of dogs...and it's only 11.30am! So now you know that this is the place to come and face your fears with people who are prepared to do the same! I wonder what we'll do for the rest of the day? Lie down in a darkened room with a bottle of beer perhaps!

Thursday 9th August 2007

I have been writing an article this week which explored my brush with death in this lake when I was 2 years old and my gradual recovery from the trauma in particular with regard to swimming in the lake or any place where I can't put my feet down. So it seemed like a golden opportunity when a friend suggested swimming over to the rock on the other side of the lake. I will admit that I wedged a float under me because I panic if I get tired but I did it, I swam to the rock! We even managed to clamber out onto the rock despite the slippery surface and then I managed to clamber back down the rock to get back in and swim back. I'm very proud of myself. During my evening sauna I spent ages in the water floating on my back noticing how much muscle tension there still is and trying to relax it as I'm sure I float better when I'm relaxed. I shut my eyes and it felt as if I was spinning round in the water and that the sun was shining brightly on my face but when I opened them I hadn't really moved and I remembered that the sun couldn't have been on my face because at that time of night the trees shade the pier. It was a very mystical and very beautiful experience. My friend has suggested that tomorrow I face my fear of heights and climb onto the roof of the house using the ladders. We'll see.....

Wednesday 8th August 2007

I lost Freija the German Shepherd for a while this morning as she chased something through the forest. From the crashing of branches and trees I'm guessing it was an elk plus the fact that I had elk flies landing on me for the first time this year! It's an August thing! Freija received a huge lecture upon her return but I'm not sure it has much effect as she seems unable to help herself, if something runs from her she chases it. I remember the time she caught up with an elk because it stopped running and turned to face her...she didn't know what to do and ended up just ignoring it. I'm grateful that she doesn't reappear from the forest dragging it behind her although I'd be impressed as they weigh about a ton.

I now have a stack of postcards of Mairela so if anyone would like one to put up in a local clinic or somewhere that may have people interested in holistic healing holidays or just a plain holiday in a gorgeous place then let me know.

Tuesday 7th August 2007

Last night's meditation group provided me with a fascinating insight into the possibilities of this world and just how much untapped assistance and knowledge we have available to us. I decided that we would repeat the previous week's exercise which was to meditate for guidance on a particular problem or question that we might have. It's the great thing about running your own group, I get to decide what we are doing and I was wanting some guidance about the upcoming year at school. I have found myself wondering these past few days if it is the right thing for me to return, nothing unusual in that as the ego is always trying to stop the walk along the path back to essence but there was something else that was bugging me and I couldn't quite pin it down. I settled myself down into an open and free position to allow the guidance to unfold and unfold it did! First I was taken straight to the point that the reason I was dithering so much was that I had analysed the decision as something that could be right or wrong and that was in direct conflict with the principles I teach and live. So I was then shown the reason why I was so hung up with 'getting the right answer' or more importantly 'not getting the answer wrong .' I could feel an energy of terror and panic growing inside me, I could sense myself getting extremely agitated about getting the answer to something right and as I let the energy grow I found myself in a past life situation. I was being forced to answer a question and the fate of many people sat in front of me rested on me giving the desired answer.....and I gave the 'wrong' one. The pain of watching all those people murdered as I was forced to watch because of my 'wrong' answer was awful and I cried. However, I had the answer to my worry about getting a decision 'wrong'. I sat and brought in my remembering that we all come here to fulfill a certain contract and that when we die we are returned back to a place of wholeness and connection. We go to a place where we remember the experiences we had as physical beings as the learning that we sought out. Rather than thinking like a human that I had killed all those people, I remembered the perfection of it all. I was then taken to another lifetime to enhance that feeling, the knowing that there is no right or wrong, there are only experiences and it is how we choose to view them which makes them what we experience as humans. As with most past lives there are cycles where we experience life as the 'victim' and then as the 'perpetrator' because by seeing life from all angles we can learn experientially that there is no right or wrong, instead life just is. I went into a life where I was killing people with my sword if they did not tell me how great I was (I was a man) but I could see into the fear behind the killing. I could see how I wanted to feel powerful and mighty and the only way I could do this was by bullying others, it was the only way I felt that I could control my life so that I never felt exposed and weak. Yet I wasn't getting what I wanted because I always had to keep killing and had to be so vigilant, there was no peace in my soul. I could feel a lot of pain in my right shoulder at this point, the right side being the masculine side, and so I asked the Archangel Michael to help me release the pain. I choose him because he has a sword and I wanted to remind myself that it is not the sword which makes the experience what it was but it was my intention behind my actions. I turned the sword in my hand into one that I could use in the world to cut down the thick prickly bushes that I had erected around myself as a defence, and also to assist others who ask for help to cut through their defences in much the same way as Michael does. Thus the energy of the sword was transformed. I didn't make it right or wrong, I just realised that I had to use it a certain way to achieve the experience I wanted. I wrote the summation of this into my angel book that I carry around for such lightbulb moments. It reads 'There is nothing 'wrong' in anything we do. Only notice the energy of the intention behind it. And ask if that intention suits our purpose or complements the choice we have made about who we are'

It must be a bit of a running theme that I'm shifting right now as last week's message was ' I can be anything that I want to be. All I have to do is to sit down and decide once and for all what it is that I would like that to be. Not that I can't change my mind but I should avoid the to-ing and fro-ing that goes along with letting others influence my choices. Always remember that there is no right or wrong, no 'better' way to be a more spiritual person. Only choose who you want to be and live it. Then as you live it so then you will be it. Consistency in deciding what it is that you want to create is the key, not what it is that you want, anything goes. It's only your own belief systems that stand in your way. If you believe that you have to please others to make yourself happy then that is what you will get. Think on!'

These messages were for me but if they fit how you are and you like the sound of them then please feel free to take them. I know there will be some reason I sat down here today and wrote it all out!

Saturday 4th August 2007

Myself and friends set off early in the morning down the road and then walking through the forest to find our good spot for watching the 3rd day of the WRC rally Finland. I've done it a few times before so I know that it's a good idea to get up early to grab the best vantage points. We take our food and drink in our rucksacks that turn into seats and settle down for a great day of entertainment and today was exactly that. There is nothing like watching the cars come flying around the corner then speed down the hill, crashing over jumps as they go then dig in hard to speed around the bend where we are seated and shower us in a cascade of stones and sand and dust. Marvelous! The Ouninpohja stage of the Finland rally is famous for it's jumps and it's very unusual for any foreign driver to win this leg, although it has been done. The Finns are just so at home driving at speed along gravel roads through the forest...we all do it everytime we head off for the shops! This stage is also run twice and the afternoon stage is much faster as the drivers have gotten used to the route plus the tracks leave a clearer line to be followed. I think this is a picture of Sebastian Loeb the French driver whizzing past. After the second stage had passed we also got another rally come past, the veterans rally! We soon learnt that if the approaching car was a Volvo that we would be totally immersed in stones and dust as it forged around the corner. I swear these veterans were driving harder than the actual rally drivers!

Thursday 2nd August 2007

The new look Energy Healing website was launched today and I'm in one of the photos entitled Green Goddesses. I've got the blue flower in my hair.

Wednesday 1st August 2007

I finally got to see the results of the postcards I had made up for Mairela and I'm really pleased with them. I've had a few dodgy returns from some of the printing places on the net so it's nice to find a reliable company. I also had another pleasant surprise when my current guests bagged a 10lbs (4.5kgs) pike out of the lake and gave it to me for dinner! I haven't had as much luck with the fishing as in previous years and it's been good to get a new slant on the profile of pike. Seems they have got wise to my metal lures and such like so I've been versed with new techniques and judging by the catch in my freezer these techniques pay good dividends!

Monday 30th July 2007

Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I spent the time playing monopoly, chess and draughts as the rain had descended here and it was a great way to pass the time. However, I noticed as time went on that I was eating almost non stop, which isn't too unusual for me but I just couldn't sate my food lust until eventually I said 'Anybody would think there is a full moon coming'...and off I went to look at the calendar and lo and behold there it was, last night at 2.36 local time! It came over the top of the trees opposite at around 11.30 and I sat and watched it travel across the sky, all beautiful and orange. I also noted that the nights are actually getting dark again now for the first time since May! I was up so late because I was trying to sort out the photograph ordering system for my gallery by placing all my photos onto an online gallery and linking it to this site. Nothing is easy here with uploading photographs as I only have a modem with a very long phone line attached! there are lots more photos on there so if you'd like a look go to Mairela Finland Photos. I think that some of the photographs are very inspiring as the scenery here is just so beautiful and changes so much over the seasons.

Talking of inspiring and changes, here is the blogspot of someone that gets you thinking. I don't always agree with everything he says but I certainly do admire the delivery and honesty.

Sunday 29th July 2007

On the way home from a long forest walk this morning I was gathering some Goldenrod (Solidago virgaurea) to hang up and dry in the house as it is a very useful medicinal plant. The name comes from solidare, 'to make whole'. It is used for wound healing because of its anti inflammatory and antimicrobial properties and is sometimes referred to as woundwort. Its essential oils, tannins and saponins are thought to be responsible for its effect. It is one of the best remedies to use as a diuretic and therefore makes great kidney and bladder medicine particularly when elimination of metabolic waste is essential, for example when the body is fighting infection with a fever. Too often we try to stop a fever which is the body's defence mechanism against infection (e.g.. influenza) , much better to assist the body by keeping the waste elimination channels open. Parmenides once stated " Give me the power to induce fever and I shall cure every illness" Goldenrod can be taken as a tea or pulped and applied directly to wounds or the kidney area.

It struck me as I walked home with my huge bunch of yellow flowers how much my views have changed with regard to picking wild flowers, or any flowers for that matter. Years ago I felt it was awful to pick them because that would mean that they would die sooner and other folk passing by wouldn't have the benefit of seeing their beauty. In some ways I still very much subscribe to that perspective but I also see the benefits of taking plants that provide me with something. It made me think that if I had come onto this earth with the healing abilities that I have but nobody ever asked me to help them because they didn't want to disturb me (yet continued in their misery) then it would be a shame to have wasted that ability by not having used it and for my own part if I sat round all my life knowing I had the ability to help people but never got to use it I would probably feel frustrated! Nowadays as I start to look at life from the energetic point of view, I know that when I pick the flower it doesn't 'die', it is merely transformed into a different type of energy, much like when we 'die' we really just become a another type of energy. I have now stored the Goldenrod energy and I know that next year another blaze of yellow will streak across my forest again.

Thursday 26th July 2007

It doesn't seem possible that it's been a week since I last wrote in here but I have been busy with collecting firewood, running an intensive healing week, finishing the latest Harry Potter book and having family to visit. Talking of which I would like to offer my gratitude to all the angels who helped them pull all their cars out of the expanding River Severn and still be able to drive them to the airport...after they had ladled all the water out!

This morning I did a bit of heavy duty gardening as one of my guests called it. This involves the use of a large saw! There is a beautiful but very large bush next to the house which I believe is called a Siberian Lavender and it produces masses of purple flowers at Midsummer. The path from my car to the house goes under the bush and I have let it grow unchecked since I arrived here because it forms a natural garage for my car in the winter and because I love those natural tunnels that trees and bushes sometimes make. However, lately I have realised just how much it had crept and how much room it was taking up...plus I was having to stoop to get underneath it which was a chore, especially when you get it wrong or you're carrying heavy shopping bags. So I started to cut it back with the saw. It was whilst I was doing this that I thought about how stuff in life can be like this bush. We look at some things in our lives and think that it is good and we will keep it there and let it grow (because if it's good then having lots of it must be really good, right?) but then we forget about it and don't really take much notice of it because it's just there and we don't really see it anymore until it starts to affect our lives in a big way, a way that grabs our attention, in my case the pain of having to duck underneath it when I had my sore back. Then when it has come into our awareness and we take a good look we realise that it has taken over a huge area that previously had other things growing there plus there is a great shadow being cast by it which doesn't allow anything else to grow. It really reminds me of my healing work! Now is the time to sit quietly and decide what it is that YOU really want and then the next step is to cut back or remove the pieces that are no longer serving your purpose. Remembering the original purpose and deciding if it still serves a requirement which in my case is that the bush is a beautiful one and provides shade to the dogs in their kennels it would be excessive to remove it completely. It's not about labeling the bush as a 'bad' plant and getting rid of it but it's about seeing the aspects of it that serve me. As I set about taking out the overgrown parts there were places where I had to take off some of the smaller outer branches before I could go any further and in some places I could just get straight to the main branch and saw it off taking many different off shoots with it. In healing sometimes we have to work away at the smaller aspects of our blockages and distortions before we can see the way to the stem of the problem and other times we can get right down to the root of a problem straight away and when we work at that level and lift it out then so many other blockages are removed at the same time. Neither is the 'right' way or the 'best' way, they are just different ways which serve the purpose of what we are trying to achieve. Then when the overhanging branches or the energetic blockages have been removed the light comes flooding into the spaces, no effort is required...the light is always shining whatever happens so all we ever have to do is to remove the obstacles we have placed that are blocking it. Now that the light has reached places where it hasn't been for a while it will be interesting to watch what will grow in those places, hidden treasures that we have long forgotten about! The feeling of spaciousness is amazing too, you can really feel the expansion of yourself into the lighter, more open spaces that now surround you. Try it, large bushes or emotional and mental blockages....it's all the same!

Thursday 19th July 2007

Today is my name day and therefore also the name day of all Saras and Sarahs across the world. The name derives from the Hebrew for 'Princess' or 'Lady'...just thought I'd mention that! Here in Finland there is a most excellent tradition of getting together with your friends and having coffee and cake, or in my case herbal tea and cake. But lets face it the important thing is the cake....and the meeting friends of course but that went without saying, whoops! Unlike a birthday I don't have to face the inquisition about how old I am and all that...not that I'm so worried about how old I am, I'm more concerned with how old I feel. At the moment after spending a particularly pleasant afternoon I feel very light, happy and privileged to know such lovely people.

Tuesday 17th July 2007

Last night at my meditation group we did a meditation towards the fire the grid world healing. We set the intention to send the energy to the time allotted today for thousands of people around the globe to send love to the planet and people for one hour. Then today, just for good measure I joined in again. The synergy of such events can help to raise the consciousness of the planet, which makes folk more aware and that in turn can only lead to a more caring and open planet. I think that as more events like this take place that little by little we will see organic growth towards a new way of thinking about how we all live and relate to one another, then slowly the illusion of separateness between us will start to fade.

This evening I went to the cinema to see the new Harry Potter film. There was a trailer for the Simpsons movie which showed Homer being swung between a large rock and somewhere called The Hard Place. I was the only person in the place to get the joke and laugh...a very strange experience although it has happened to me before but that was in Scotland watching Snatch because nobody else in the cinema could understand the London speak!

Monday 16th July 2007

The wild strawberry embodies the perfection of all that is. It look so beautiful on the forest floor and the taste of the fruit is so sweet and unique that you just know that some higher power spent time perfecting it! just thought I'd share that with you...unlike my wild strawberries!

Another couple of pearls of wisdom came back to me today as I did some gardening. Firstly, don't lean on the branch that you are sawing off and secondly, never ever let your strimmer connect with dog poo! It was an interesting afternoon.

Saturday 14th July 2007

When I looked into the swallows nest there was only one left waiting for it's flying lesson with mum and dad. It's an amazing leap of faith, trust and instinct that these birds show us but that is how life can be when you are completely in touch with your own nature. Imagine if from birth we remembered who we truly were and the awesome power and light we have inside of us instead of learning all about limitations...in fact why not do that right now just for a while (or for the rest of your life), imagine that you have no limitations, you can do anything you put your mind to. Now who would you be today? "Argue For Your Limitations and They're Yours" is a wonderful reminder from one of my most favourite books ' Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah' by Richard Bach. He is also the author of the inspiring tale 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull'

Now when I look out of the window I can see all the swallows swooping and rushing over the surface of the lake, moving as if they are one, which of course at some level they are. I should take the time to go and sit with the swifts as their chicks will be leaving soon too. Last year I sat up on the castle rock and as the swifts became used to my presence they swooped and dived and performed their amazing aerobatics around me as if it was a private viewing all for me and yet it was really just their own joy of life, their essence, pouring out in the way that they express it. I think that is what life is really about, expressing yourself, your essence in your own particular idiom.....and I know Jonathan Livingston Seagull would agree!

Talking about birds showing us the ultimate expression of just 'being' reminds me of the part in Monty Python's 'Life of Brian' where Brian is trying to talk about the birds and the flowers, how they don't follow any particular creed or belief or guru and yet their lives are blissful but the crowd just misunderstand everything he is trying to tell them and think he is 'having a go'. " He says the birds are scrounging" " He's having a go at the flowers now"....classic stuff! I really do believe that this film should become part of the curriculum in schools. Seriously. Watch it and I guarantee you'll learn something!

Thursday 12th July 2007

Two weeks ago I flew into the UK to start my holiday, yay! first I had trouble picking up my hire car from the snotty guy with an attitude befitting a 4 year old who wasn't getting his own way, I left and collected a car from a more sensible place. Then having decided that going cross country to my brother's place, although shorter would be longer timewise, I hit the M11, and it was covered with roadworks and restrictions, as was the M25 and as was the M1 where finally I came to a complete halt at 2am!! How can there be hold ups at that time of day!! Then I hear on the radio about the car bomb outside the nightclub and I started to wonder if I had landed on an alien planet and I wanted to be back in my forest. Luckily the trip improved after that shaky start...although the amount of rain was a bit disconcerting. Since then I have visited friends and family all over the country and spent hours trekking across Dartmoor on my trusty Arab steed, Kaliff...in the wind and the rain, not once did we go out without getting wet. I've been sightseeing along the Cornish coastline, stuffed myself with fudge from Tintagel, had a Chinese, fish and chips and all the other culinary delights I like to catch up on whilst in the UK. Last Friday I volunteered to help out at Devon Quest on the School of Energy Healing stand giving 15 minute taster sessions to whoever wanted to sample the delights. I met some delightful people there too, in particular Violetta Cope, the Green Chef, she's a lovely lady and very passionate about her food. I noticed that this was the first day it hadn't rained whilst I was in Devon and I was indoors the whole day, doh! Next day was sunny too and because I wasn't taking out the horses that day I settled down in the garden with my book....about 5 hours later I was burnt to a cinder! My face was half red and half white just to add to my humiliation. I still can't believe that I did something so stupid but my itchy legs and peeling face are testament to the fact that I did. Sunday we headed off riding in beautiful sunshine but got saturated before we returned, plus I walked home the last 2 miles as I couldn't bear the grinding in my back any longer and I couldn't convince Kaliff to walk sensibly. Walking back did allow me to say hello and stroke one of the new foals out amongst the gorse bushes though. I traveled 1,243 miles over the 10 days in the UK which wasn't particularly great for my poor back but it certainly was pure nectar for my soul.

Now I'm back in my forest, collecting blueberries from the bushes as I walk with my dogs and gathering chanterelles to make into mushroom stew for tea tomorrow. The baby spotted flycatchers have all flown whilst I was away but the swallow babies are still all squashed into their nest. I was woken up by the very noisy sounds of the red throated diver and her babies...it's another world!