Double Bind

My double bind!

A part of me spends a lot of time lamenting the notion that I am not seen and I am not heard. "Nobody ever listens to me" "Nobody cares about me"
Then when someone stops to look and listen for a while and I notice that they really are seeing and hearing me as I actually am I really panic!! I drive them away or retreat back into my darkness wherein I feel safe once more, no longer in danger of anyone finding out how awful I really am, no longer in danger of being a failure in others' eyes and no longer in danger of not living up to the "perfect image" I would like to be. .
Then after some time when that danger has passed and I'm sat in the dark all alone I feel isolated and resent being unseen and unheard......and so the cycle continues.....

Eventually, after practising self awareness I can catch myself as I'm about to embark down that old familiar dance routine and ask myself if this is what I really want to spend my whole life doing.

Sometimes I am seen, sometimes I am heard, sometimes I am not seen and sometimes I am not heard but not one of these experiences makes any difference to Who I Am unless I choose to give it the power to do so. So, do I choose to let myself dance back and forth in perpetual misery? What would Love do?