I keep this picture on view because this is a little girl who doesn't see a "cancer victim" or a "sick woman", she just sees her mummy that she loves. My gift of cancer strengthened my vision for seeing the beauty like that around me as opposed to just looking at the physical picture. The goodness of life is always there if we take the time and effort to notice it
If I create my own reality then I choose this cancer to be a gift. If I don't create my own reality then there is nothing I can do so I may as well enjoy myself!
I choose to know myself and accept myself as the most I possibly can whilst in this physical body
January 2000 I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer with statistically a 1 in 5 chance of being around in 2005. I had six tumours. This is a brief look at my cancer and how it has influenced me.
Chemotherapy put me very firmly in touch with my body and I began to recognise what it was telling me. One of the first things it told me was that chemotherapy was a barbaric way to be treating myself.
After the treatment finished I moved on to listening to myself to establish what I wanted from life, especially as it seemed that I had so precious little of it left. I stopped making excuses and making do. I wanted to go to Finland and live in the little house by the lake in the forest.
Underneath, beyond, behind the chaos of my mind there has always been a golden thread woven through my life guiding me. This thread had guided me to the doctors and through my treatment, then guided me to start listening to my self and follow my instincts.
I learnt about reiki healing and was led to energy healing. My desire to help others taught me the techniques and qualities with which I would help myself. Every customer coming to me for healing was in turn being my teacher and showing me something about myself.
I became so used to the guides and angels that I began conversing with them as a normal aspect of my life.
I've travelled through many different stages or levels of consciousness, each with its own unique set of beliefs and thought forms. First trying to do right by everyone, then recognising that as a selfish way for me to find approval and so letting it all go. Having let go of my hidden desires for sainthood I spent years untangling myself from the burden of right and wrong itself.
I saw that what we believe is exactly what we create. If I strive to decipher what is right and wrong then I create a perpetual malcontent for myself for in order to make a "right" I must immediately create a "wrong" for one cannot exist without the other. And then I would spend lifetimes trying to eliminate or avoid the "wrong"!
After giving up that exhausting task I began to recognise more of my capabilities.
As a human being I can look to the heavens and see myself as a small piece of the whole, whilst at the same time my mind sees inside me as if I am the whole and all that lies within are the small parts.
I have seen from years of silent reflection that what lies within reflects what lies without. What I see around me is a reflection of what is inside me.
And so eventually I come to holding those two views at the same time, in every moment I am the piece and I am the whole.
My cancer was the trigger point for me to really begin increasing my self awareness. To this day I cannot say if as humans we need to suffer before we begin to question and expand.
As to the healing arts I can see that it is our beliefs which are the forerunners of our power. Dumbo's feather did indeed allow him to believe he could fly and once he had seen that he could fly then he didn't need the feather. And so it is with all things.
My strongest base thought was that I would outgrow my cancer and so I did. That same arrogance which would have me telling my neighbour what was wrong with her life and how she should fix it was the very same that would protect me from falling foul to fear.
Last year my partner died. He had cancer and I could see the roots of his dis-ease, I knew exactly what he could do to "cure" himself and I also knew that it would be impossible for me to tell him. The frustration of that taught me much about the way to peace and how we get it so muddled and confused with the notion of a pain free life.
My sweetheart died and the pain was so intense for a while that I thought I would go insane but I wouldn't swap that pain for the numbness that we often mistakenly think of as peace. My pain and my love are intertwined, they are aspects of love. To try and split off the pain is as futile and redundant as snapping a magnet in half just to have a south end.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way" (Charles Dickens - A Tale Of two Cities)
My cancer was a gift to me and now let it be a gift to you.
My sweetheart and I were together for a year in which he had his cancer and he said it was the best year of his life.
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